Then•Now•Future

Then

I was a "student" and occasionally, an "entertainer" who had a good time. There wasn't any concerns of what so ever. I was happy, cheerful, and if you would, LOUD.


Now

I remain a "student", but a less motivated one, an "entertainer" who is, most of the time, perceived as a nuisance. In contrast of what I was before, I slowly transformed into what you would call a "hysteria", a 'creature' who's constantly worried about practically everything; worried about how people perceived me, worried if I can live up to people's expectations, worried about my future, worried if I made the right choices.

I wonder what happened to the confident me, the girl who did not let any critiques get in her way, the girl who was strong enough to take up any challenge, to be able to put a positive light to everything she sees, the girl who sets herself as the ultimate barrier in order to be a "successful person".

And so, I became someone who appear to be cheerful and happy, and LOUD ONLY if I think that it is okay to be loud. Yes, you would argue that it is only appropriate "to act like one's age" (I guess it is not socially acceptable for a 20 year old to be loud and noisy at all times, neither it is appropriate for a 20 year old to be jumping around), BUT why must I act like everyone and anyone else on the streets? Why must I follow the norms of what it takes to become an ideal "adult" in a society? Why must I become a billionaire in order "to be successful"? Why can't I just paint to my heart's content? Is it so socially unacceptable for one to be able to live her life to the fullest without money, without possesions? Why should everyone compare themselves to the person next door?

Several friends of mine (high school) once asked me what I would do in the future. Without any hesitation, I told them that I was determined to venture into the field of arts. And their respond, you ask? "WHAT?! and I thought that you were going to become a doctor because you are SOOO into biology". I told them that I was more interested in arts and guess what, they told me that I was going to regret, making this decision because "we respect doctors" and not artist that you can find in any nook and cranny of the "central market" (FYI: My relatives, my parents and et cetera felt the same) We were brought up to become materialistic people, striving to become "the ideal".

Of course, I do not expect everyone to have the same thoughts, but at the very least, I hope that more of my friends will be able to accept me as who I am, to at least try to go along with my "childish" behaviors, to be able to have fun and hang out with the real me, to be able to understand the real me, to have more people where I can truly share my worries, truly laugh with, truly hang out with. Yes, of course, I can take critiques, I can try to change, BUT if I continue to change, you will never get to know my, what I call, true personality, the personality that I've been constantly trying to protect all this time. As I've told most of you before, I'm happiest when my friends and people around me are happy, and so I'm willing to do what ever it takes to achieve that, even if it means to give up my beliefs of what I should be



Future

After a series of failure in trying to convince people that being childish is not a bad idea for a 20 year old, I've come to a conclusion that this might as well be the turning point of my life. Maybe I should just try to be a matured kid (in accordance to the society's standard) or I will never advance. I'm tired of the constant conflict in my brain, the ever so vigorous battle of my id and my superego, so vigorous that my ego is falling apart. It hurts me a lot when I get into fights with people around me, to not be able to maintain friendships.

And so, I might as well work my way in becoming a friendly, happy, obedient, competitive girl who acts like the other 20 year olds. I know that I need to clear the fog that has been accumulating since young or I'll never see my path. I need to have a clear view of what I should become even if it means giving up what I want to become.

Later